Recovery Gals Art Exchange. Summer Solstice Theme. Pink Cloud.

Three years ago, Sondra and I founded the Recovery Gals Art Exchange. If you don’t know what that is, you can read more about how it all began here. To see over 200 of the exchanges, we have a hashtag for the exchange and you can click here to see more at #recoverygalsartexchange.

Painting has been on the back-burner for me since May of 2018. I stopped painting after I had my first, debilitating panic attack. I just stopped. This was on the heels of my first gallery show for The Geographic called The Art of Recovery. I ended up delivering what I had completed to be hung, showed up for the opening and closing and promptly said - I’m never doing that again. I was operating in fear-mode. I was tapped out emotionally. I felt depleted. I had zero desire to paint again.

But something shifted in me during the evening of the full moon last month. I had this overwhelming desire to get an idea out of my head and onto a blank canvas. It felt like an emergency, as my friend Amanda Grace likes to say. Yes, a freaking art emergency.

A few months back, my exchange partner and I had a phone date and we got to know each other a little better. During our conversation, she shared with me about what lit her up - nature, photography, her journey to sobriety and her love of hiking. She shared that she had attempted to summit Mt. Whitney (tallest mountain in the contiguous United States!) four times, but her plans being thwarted due to her body being overtaken by altitude sickness each and every time she made the climb. She also shared that she was okay with the fact that the summit had eluded her. The training, planning and journey was part of what she loved about the goal and guiding other women to the summit was what made it all worth it. Plus, the mountain was still going to be there and when the time was right - it would happen.

Her confidence and ease talking about the elusive Mt. Whitney summit reminded me about the journey to sobriety for so many. A lot of starts and stops can happen. Research, attempts, false starts, turning back around and starting at ground zero is all part of the road to recovery.

Upon reflecting back on my notes from our call, I knew what I needed to make and set about doing it.


Since the theme this time around was PINK CLOUD, I decided to use a hardwood panel to symbolize the sturdy mountain and slathered on my favorite hot pink acrylic paint as a base. I then used black and green as the foundation for the mountain and added a bit of gold because, well, I love gold and it seemed fitting. It would end up being sanded down and just peeking through, but I thought it would be like a secret gold star underneath all of the future layers.


I added a thin layer of white over the majority of the painting. I lightly sanded down the mountain to create texture. I vigorously sanded down the areas where the pink was underneath on both sides of the montain to reveal a PINK CLOUD-like sky.


Next up was adding a triangles. This geometric shape packs a punch of meaning for me. First, it is the strongest geometric shape. I made them wonky and different to represent how many of us feel in early sobriety. I used India ink and a calligraphy pen.


As the mountain began to take shape, it was clear to me that the triangles would also represent the many different paths we take to attain a life we no longer want to escape from - some short and some much longer. The goal (sobriety) never changing, but knowing that the summit of sobriety is not always achieved in a straight line or on our first attempt. Quite often it’s done in fits and starts until it finally clicks and we find our way.


The PINK CLOUD is often characterized as a short period of elation or euphoria in early sobriety. Some think this can be dangerous because newcomers might come to believe that this magical, i-can-do-anything attitude is going to last throughout sobriety, when, in reality, the PINK CLOUD feeling is often short-lived. Some think that when the PINK CLOUD wears off that many will return to drinking because sobriety no longer feels good.


I can see where people might worry about those dangers, but I have always felt that the pink cloud moments of euphoria that I have experienced sporadically throughout my recovery were absolutely essential in giving me hope. As I climbed the metaphorical mountains of living life without my favorite numbing agents, it was a steep and careful climb up and out of my addiction. Sometimes I had a good long stretch of days and then things would go sideways. I’d regain my footing and either pick a different route or double down on the tried and true things that were working for me.

I came to believe that I needed those pockets of magical thinking so that I could push off from there and get back to the business of trying to reach the summit of my sobriety, which is a daily trek of me just doing the best that I can for the next 24 hours.

For me, the summit is no longer the goal. It’s in the byproduct of my day-to-day living, my rituals and routines. It’s in the lessons I’m learning from teachers. It’s in the way I’ve cultivated a life I no longer want to escape from. It’s my path, my mis-steps and my miscalculations that I learn my greatest lessons. It’s not all darkness, but traversing those dark times fortifies me and gives me strength to go out into the world and continue the climb.


The PINK CLOUD concept has helped me to better know and understand that when I’m in a funk or down at the base of my metaphorical mountain that my feelings of defeat or discomfort are only temporary. I understand the beauty of my darkness now and how it delivered me to exactly where I am today. I’m grateful for it. I no longer fear it.

Knowing there is a PINK CLOUD somewhere in my future actually gives me a tremendous amount of hope and the desire to move onward and upward.

4 Years.

My last sip of alcohol was on Groundhog Day 2015. I wouldn’t know it at the time, but it would be the last time I would shake up an ice cold double Manhattan.

It would be the last time I would use alcohol to escape myself.
It would be the last time I would use alcohol to quell my anxieties.
It would be the last time I would use alcohol to numb out my existence.

For those of you have followed me for awhile, you might remember that I have posted about my sobriety milestones from the get-go. If you’re new to my website and blog, I used to post monthly essays on my sobriety milestone on the third day of every month. As time went by, I decided that I would write a blog post update bi-yearly and on my yearly sobriety birthday, too. You can read more about my one year, two year, three year and the monthly sobriety milestones by clicking on the links or perusing this listing of blog posts.

Reflecting back on the past six months, I land in two different camps with my feelings.

Camp 1. I’ve done so much work in addressing my anxiety and confronting concepts of willingness, acceptance and the art of letting go. Where do I even begin?


Camp 2. What could I possibly have to say that I haven’t already said?

Over the past six months, I feel like I opened the door to new teachers and tended to my health and well being like it was my job. I also hit a big wall on my actual sobriety date - February 3, 2018. This post will help to explain.

On a flight home from Phoenix last May, I experienced my first-ever panic attack. A swirling of energy that originated in my lower extremities and traveled up to my solar plexus. I wanted to rip all of my clothes off. I couldn’t breathe. The thought crossed my mind that I might be having a heart attack. I wanted to open the door on the aircraft and jump out of the plane. I was out of my mind and filled with panic and fear. I thought I was going to die.

After being removed from the plane and put on a stretcher and rushed by ambulance to the ER in San Francisco, I was discharged and left to figure out how to get home. I ended up taking the most expensive Uber ride of my life. I rode in the backseat of a tricked out Honda Civic while the driver blared misogynistic hip hop music the entire 75 mile ride towards home.

Over the several months that followed…

  • I started taking Chinese herbs and receiving acupuncture (up until I had a panic attack during one of the treatments).

  • I worked with a licensed therapist.

  • I saw my OB/GYN and had my IUD removed.

  • Talked with my general practitioner and had all my lab work updated.

  • I would work with an astrologer and have my natal chart read.

  • I temporarily stopped drinking decaffeinated coffee and black tea.

  • I meditated daily.

  • I listened to Elena Brower’s Ritual of Recovery for 40 days in a row to start my days over the summer months.

  • I started writing morning pages.

  • I upped my attendance at 12-step meetings.

  • I lowered my attendance at 12-step meetings.

  • I clung to the prayers in Pixie Lighthorse’s Prayers of Honoring book series.

  • I started listening to theta binaural beats before falling to sleep at night over the summer and more recently.

  • I tried theta floatation therapy.

  • I used essential oils and found comfort in rubbing a black obsidian stone whenever I felt anxious.

  • I created a rock solid morning routine.

  • I read books on anxiety, which actually helped for a little while and then actually started revving up my anxiety, so I stopped.

  • I did research on the fight or flight response + learned about additional tools I could use.

  • I put my legs up the wall more times than I can count.

  • I would reach out to Jolene Park, functional nutritionist and founder of Healthy Discoveries to discuss a few strategies to deal with my panic.

  • I started taking prescription non-addictive beta-blockers before I jumped on a plane or did any public speaking.

  • I took daily 20 minute naps.

  • I stopped working with a licensed therapist because I was so tired of working on myself or trying to fix myself. I felt burnt out.

I tried EVERYTHING under the sun to counteract my anxiety. I had six more panic attacks after the initial one in May. Each time one occurred, I got better at remembering to ask for help and assembled a physical anxiety toolbox to carry in my purse.

Over a four week period stretching from mid-December to mid-January, I would take seven separate plane flights. Zero panic attacks occurred. I used all of my tools and then some. I feel like this was and is tremendous progress.

Knock on wood.

Last Fall semester, I ended up dropping my entire course load and enrolled in one studio art class: beginning ceramics.

I let go of the rush to graduate and took ceramics as one would take medicine. I let it start to heal me.

It intimidated me.
It frustrated me.
It taught me.
It humbled me.
It was generous with me.


I very quickly started absorbing lessons about patience, getting centered and how to let go of desired outcomes and lofty expectations. My professor was a very wise man and he dished out sobering comments about the desire to control the clay. Every single one of these quotes could serve as a metaphor for my sobriety.

Clay not listen to you. YOU must listen to clay.

You need confidence, not pride. You must lose the ego. The clay is the boss.

Your personality comes through by how you approach the wheel. No patience? You must have patience, otherwise the wheel will not serve you. It does not care what YOU want.

The wheel does a perfect job. YOU are creating problem, NOT the wheel.

Acceptance is the philosophy and mantra when working with ceramics.

If you seek perfection, then ceramics is probably not for you.

Creating pottery is like a meditation.

The gift of the fire can elevate a piece. The beauty is made in the fire.
— Professor Hiroshi Fuchigami
Raku firing process used for this bowl

Raku firing process used for this bowl

There was something freeing about not knowing what I was doing. I fought it hard at first, but slowly I started to loosen up and quit trying to control the clay, which helped me to see that maybe I needed to work on not controlling the universe and surrender myself simply to what is. I started enjoying the process with no attachment to the outcome. This was a completely new way of being for me. The final phase of any ceramic piece is made in the fire - completely out of my control. The fire is where the beauty happens and I could totally relate to that. I loved using my time in ceramics as a metaphor for learning how to deal with my anxiety and loosen up my grip on controlling the universe.

When I was drinking, I was not centered.

When I finally quit, I was nothing more than a simple lump of clay. I feel like I’v bee molding myself ever since.

My beauty has been made in the fire, too, and on the last day of the semester I realized that my desire to control outcomes had to stop. I have to surrender and cease future-tripping or else it will cost me my sanity, my health.

As always, I am a work in progress in this regard.

I’ve been a student quite a bit over these last six months. I know I mentioned the ceramics above, but I also took the RAW creative journaling workshop from my friend and fellow artist, Amanda Grace. She flew over here all the way from Ireland and hosted a lovely 2-day retreat in Oakland. She’s helping me loosen up and let go of desired outcomes with my journals, as well. She’s also become a really dear friend to me and I’m so grateful for technology to keep us connected, even though we first met through her one-of-a-kind letter PODS a couple of years ago.

I just finished up Pixie Lighthorse’s offering of 7 Journeys. It was a week-long course that guided me through portals back into my past and unlocked deep knowings about trauma that occurred when I was just seven years old. I had no idea what would unfold and was very open to the process. Vivid dreaming occurred. I would wake up and feel called to collage my dreams on paper. It was super transformative and a beautiful way to begin the year knowing that there was still much work to do and I was grateful I had been preparing for it, in a sense, ever since the day I stopped drinking. I cannot recommend her work enough. She has been one of my greatest teachers in my own journey to finding and meeting my highest self.

Sober Sisters
Last September 2018, I attended the She Recovers LA Conference and was a guest teacher, along with Shelley Richenbach, and we taught about creating gratitude for your body to about 100 women. I’d never done anything like this and it took me outside of my comfort zone, but I did it anyway. This lit a small fire under me and I realized I want to dig into teaching and sharing more of what I know for sure.

I hosted a Women’s Circle along with Natalie Fairbrook and Sasha Korellis of Satcha Malas in January 2018. I focused on sharing how to create a morning ritual routine and shared the tools and teachers that have helped me to galvanize a pretty solid practice. I loved teaching and sharing this work and would love to do more of this during 2019.

The Unruffled Podcast
We are approaching our 100th episode and so close to 500,000 downloads. It feels surreal. The support of our listeners through our Patreon account has been super important to us . Our goal is to earn some income to help pay for the cost of the show and pay us for our time. We’d love to be 100% listener-funded. If you feel called to support this work, please click here and donate. The podcasts are free and we have continuously shown up every single week for almost two whole years. We are so proud of that fact.

What my 4 Year Sober Birthday Actually Looked Like Today
I woke up and hit a 12-step meeting.
I met a friend at that meeting and went to breakfast afterwards.
I heard from my sponsor.
My kid told me how proud he was of me during our car ride home from town.
I got the most beautiful necklace and hand-made stones from sweet friends.
I did laundry, meal planned + made a grocery list.
I spent the day creating art and sitting at my desk during Super Bowl Sunday.
I was on Facebook quite a bit, communicating with other women in recovery.
I collaged a gratitude list celebrating my four year journey to sobriety.
I ended the day by asking my husband why he didn’t acknowledge my four year sober birthday?
We got into one of the biggest fights of our 21-year relationship.
I cried my eyes out and was incredibly hurt AND pissed off.
I went to bed deflated and confused.
I plotted a retaliation and then fell into a fitful sleep.

What the week after my 4 Year Sobriety Birthday Looked Like
I met my sponsor for lunch the very next day.
I unloaded what had happened between my husband and myself.
We talked about Al-Anon and alcoholism in general.
My sponsor suggested I write a ‘Fuck You’ letter to my husband, but not give it to him.
She had one caveat.
I couldn’t write the ‘Fuck You’ letter until I wrote a gratitude list listing all the things I loved about my husband.
I came home and told my husband I wanted to sleep in separate rooms - indefinitely.
I spent a lot of time in my head during this week.
I went to a lot of 12-step meetings.
I took a lot of scalding hot showers which served as an emotional reset button.
Eventually, I would write the gratitude list about my husband.
After that, the desire to write the ‘Fuck You’ letter subsided.
After seven days and nights, we called a truce.

There’s a lot more to this story, but I’m only at liberty to share this much at this time.

My sobriety journey has not been all rainbows and unicorns. It’s hard fucking work and I’m so grateful to show up and have the wherewithal to do it.

I’m not sure what is going to happen with my relationship because, like I learned in ceramics, I cannot control outcomes and I’m trying not to future-trip, but I do know one thing: I’m going to be fully present and not leave myself, even when it gets uncomfortable or hard or miserable. Because recovery has taught me how NOT to leave myself. So I’m staying.

And like my sponsor always likes to remind me, more will be revealed.

That’s all I know for sure. More will be revealed.

Winter Solstice :: Recovery Gals Art Exchange (Renewal)

My little studio used to be my son’s little studio. Over the years, I’ve commandeered the place and slowly took it over as my very own. His interests in creating art have waned considerably upon entering high school and as hard as it’s been to accept that he is his own person (no one every old me this would happen!), I didn’t want to become the kind of mom that made her kid do art. God. That would be awful, wouldn’t it? But I miss those days where we used to spend hours and hours on end creating things he dreamed up in his mind. So as much as it kills me to watch him be a normal teenager and reject something that I love so much, I released him from pleasing me in this way because it cannot be about me. I know that.


The theme this time around for the Recovery Gals Art Exchange is RENEWAL. That word got me thinking about my relationship with my son and how he and I are constantly renewing what it means to be at this place we’re currently at - adolescence (an 11-letter word!). What once was, is now vastly different. Our relationship ebbs and flows and I get my feelings hurt quite a bit. In recovery, I’ve heard that we’re not supposed to regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it, but I gotta be honest - sometimes I wish I could.


I was hungover daily for almost a decade of my son’s life. I was short-tempered and bitchy upon waking. In my home, my tone of voice set the tone for the day. In recovery, I’ve had the chance to right some of the wrongs from my drinking days. As luck would have it, I’m a morning person now. i’m actually writing this at 4:30 in the morning! I can hardly believe it. But that’s the thing about recovery that I’ve come to appreciate, the ways in which we have the opportunity to be reborn every 24 hours. I can choose to start again, hit the reset button and rehabilitate old patterns with intention and dogged determination It’s now the work of my life and I love it.


For this exchange, I wanted to use a humble material as my base to symbolize how raw and bland I felt when I first quit drinking. I dug through the shelves in my studio and stumbled upon my random cardboard/chipboard collection. I save these to use when reinforcing something flimsy when shipping, like a drawing or painting. The symbolism that it was useful and sturdy was intentional, too.


Over the past few months, I used this simple piece of chipboard to wipe excess paint off of my brushes. Over time, it has become it’s own work of art. The layers symbolic of my recovery, too. No pre-meditation, just a simple, rhythmic exercise that I would do before cleaning my brush or library card off in water to remove the final bit of paint from those simple tools.


The simple practice of using the chipboard as a place to receive excess from my paintbrush made me think of my simple morning routine. By starting my day like a blank canvas, so to speak, I can start layering the basic things that help me create a fresh start and attitude for what is to come. The idea that there is not a pre-determined outcome to my routine is helping me to see the beauty in just what is. No bells and whistles go off when I’m done. It’s a quiet union I make with my higher power and it transforms my way of being as I venture into the next 24 hours.


So while some could perceive this painting as a messy or chaotic, I like to think of it as a revitalization of what it once was - a simple, beige-colored, one dimensional, functional piece made hard from the build up of layers. An item that could have been easily discarded as not worthy of being seen or framed. What I did was choose to see it, revive it and give it life by adding broad strokes of random colors, a little bit of this and a little bit of that, until it became fresh and reinvigorated. This is EXACTLY what I did when I got sober. I was that sad little piece of bland chipboard. So flat and emotionally wrung out of all color in my life and slowly (very slowly), over time, I started adding color back into my life. Layer by layer. One awkward brush stroke at a time. I didn’t know how I was going to turn out, but I knew I could no longer remain beige and blend into the background of my life.

2018: renewal acrylic on chipboard

2018: renewal
acrylic on chipboard

I also enclosed a copy of Pixie Lighthorse’s Prayers of Honoring book for my exchange partner because she has been one of my biggest teachers this year when it comes to my morning routine and feeling renewed after I absorb her words. She has been helping to restore my spirit by starting the day reading her one-page prayers. This is something I never thought I would do, but I’ve learned that I quite surprise myself when I remain open and willing to learn new things. Her words are a salve that I apply to my soul every single morning. I am restored when I finish reading them. They baptize me with their beauty and, in a way, I am born again.


I love how these art exchanges help me to think about what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now.

Renewal is an action for me. It is something I take every morning upon waking, moving through my rituals and routines and I’m grateful that when I set the tone now in my home, it is one with far more softness and grace than I once possessed.

I just opened a package containing art from my partner in this exchange and it literally took my breath away.

IMG_5389 2.jpg

My exchange partner shared that this was her first attempt with working with stained glass as a medium. I’d say she has a future with this art form, right?

Here is a little bit about the meaning and power behind her creation.


Thank you for such a thoughtful + creative gift, Amy. I will treasure this for years to come and feel deeply honored that you would make this one-of-a-kind creation and then gift it to me. I am humbled by your generosity and talent.

If you are interested in seeing more #recoverygalartexchange work, click on the hashtag and you’ll be taken to Instagram and you can peruse past exchanges. We have close to 200 images showing work made over the past two years and exchanged between women in recovery from alcohol.

If you’re interested in participating, send me a DM on Facebook at Tammi Salas and I can add you into the secret Facebook group for the next exchange (spring equinox), which will be announced in early January 2019.

3.5 Years

Two years ago, right around the time I was approaching my 18th month of continuous sobriety, I reached out to a local photographer I'd met a creative retreat earlier in the year and asked if she would document this personally significant passage of time for me. I'm friends with several talented professional photographers, but it was her, specifically, that I wanted to do the job.

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

If I'm being honest (and I am), part of my reason for asking her was that I didn't really know her. I knew of her work and got a good vibe from her when we initially met, but I think the clincher for me was that she didn't really know me. That was important at the time because I was just getting to know myself and I didn't want anyone from my old life to take such intimate portraits, if that makes sense. I think I didn't want to be seen by them in this new way - at least not yet. It felt way too uncomfortable to even ask someone I knew to do this, including my husband. 

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

It felt incredibly vulnerable and almost silly that I wanted these pictures taken.

It felt completely self-indulgent.

It felt risky to ask for what I wanted.

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

And while I believed in my steadfastness and earnestness to stay sober, I had yet to cultivate true acceptance for the person I was becoming. It felt almost as if I was play-acting, if that makes sense. I hadn't really settled into myself yet. And, I wasn't quite ready to receive photographic proof of my existence and the taking up of space I was occupying in this world as a newly sober woman. In many ways, I felt like a fraud or a faker. I thought I had to have it all figured out, which I've come to learn is simply not an attainable or sustainable goal for me.

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

When Laura suggested a metaphorical twist on our photo shoot of using a chain to symbolize the bondage alcohol had over my life and how I'd systematically broken that chain of addiction, I creatively countered that suggestion by making paper chains for us to use. Laura, on the other hand, held the creative vision and showed up with a real, heavy duty metal chain she picked up from a local farm that literally felt as HEAVY as the feelings I held about the photo shoot. She honored my hesitation by taking a few shots with me and my son (to loosen me up) and the paper chains sat at my feet. 

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

And then...we got down to business.

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

Giving up alcohol gave me my life back.

Subtracting that one thing has given me hundreds of other tiny, beautiful, ordinary things.

Most of all, I can wake up in the morning without hating myself or regretting the decisions I made the night before.

18 months: photo by  laura schneider

18 months: photo by laura schneider

I could be reborn every single day just by not picking up a drink.

I could break the chains of addiction that run long and deep in my family tree.

I could celebrate myself and sing my songs because, well, I earned it.

Last year, around my 2.5 year sobriety milestone, I contacted Laura again and asked if we could do another photo shoot. I needed headshots for a few outlets I was writing for online and I was also growing out my grey hair. I wanted to document the transition.

2.5 years: photo by  laura schneider

2.5 years: photo by laura schneider

The whole shoot felt different.

Hell, I felt different.

She warmed me up with tea and we kept it simple.

2.5 years: photo by  laura schneider

2.5 years: photo by laura schneider

I felt about a thousand percent more comfortable in my skin than I had the year prior.

I think it shows.

2.5 years: photo by  laura schneider

2.5 years: photo by laura schneider

I'm so grateful to have met Laura and had the opportunity to work with her. 

Laura + 'surrender'

Laura + 'surrender'

Laura recently moved to Nashville with her boyfriend and purchased one of my paintings from the Full Circle series. Surrender now graces a wall in her home and I can't help feeling connected to this woman now and forever and how we have come full circle in this journey through our art, as well.

So this long-winded post now brings me to my 3.5 year sobriety milestone that just so happens to be TODAY. This is gonna be long, so maybe grab a cup of tea or La Croix and settle in.

I was tempted to go back and re-read my old sobriety milestone posts, but I didn't want to get influenced by nostalgia or what I previously wrote. Writing does not come easily to me and it usually takes me seven or eight hours to craft a post, which is way too fucking long. Why does it take that long? Well, here are a few reasons:

I over-analyze.
I start to doubt my command of the English language.
My inner critic gets really loud.
I think, "What could I possibly have to say that anyone would find important enough to read?"

After a few hours of that nonsense, I've decided to just write from the hip and not over-edit or worry about making mistakes. Here goes.

The last six months feel kind of like a blur to me. After my best friend, Kacy, lost her battle with cancer and left this world, I kind of kicked into hyper-overdrive in my life: school, art, 12-step meetings, travel and putting out a weekly podcast. I think I kept super busy so that I didn't have to deal with my grief. Five months after Kacy left this world, my 49 year old brother-in-law died unexpectedly due to complications from alcohol. His death completely sucker-punched our family. July 15th marked one year since we received that nightmarish phone call in the middle of the night telling us of his passing. Grief has enveloped our household for a solid year and a half. 

I had my first panic attack on a plane home from Phoenix on May 10th.
I had my second one on a plane home from Austin on June 3rd.
I had my third one the day after my art show opening, while I was receiving acupuncture on June 9th.
I had my fourth one while crossing the Golden Gate Bridge to attend a friend's memorial on June 24th.
I had my last panic attack while I was sitting on the couch watching Netflix on July 24th.

So while I feel sturdy in my sobriety from alcohol at this point in time, it's my body and mind that currently feels unhinged. I'm likening these panic attacks to ocean swells, gaining power and strength in my body over time. The more I try to suppress the feelings, the more powerful and intense they get and eventually take over. It's like my body has turned against me and I am rendered completely fucking powerless in the moment. Once I realize what's going on, I panic more - like it's never going to end. I very quickly lose my ability to breathe like a normal person and I feel like I'm going to die.

Part of me wants nothing to do with accepting Kacy and David's deaths.
I want to hang on as tight as I can. For me. For my husband. For my family. 
I want to erase cancer and alcoholism as diseases or at least tell them to fuck off.
I want to control the universe.
And, yes, I know this is a major part of the problem.

I'm working hard on acceptance. It's gonna take more than a minute for me to get down with it though, so I'm trying to give myself a little grace in this department.

Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today.

When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment...
— Big Book of AA, page 417

I'm trying hard to slow down long enough to feel the loss of my loved ones. I thank my higher power every single day that I found sobriety when I did because I know for a fact that I would have used the excuse of their deaths to drink my face off and that would not have been helpful to anyone. I also am trying to loosen my grip in the control department of my life, but this is not an easy fix. This will be my life's work, but I am aware of it and working on it. It's all I can do. I know the need to control is inextricably linked to my feelings of grief. I just don't know how to parse them out and untangle them right now. I'm trying.

Me + AA 
I've slowed down my AA meeting attendance since I hit my three year sobriety milestone. I've gone from four meetings a week to maybe two, if I'm lucky. I took on the Sunday morning secretary commitment at my AA home group meeting the first six months of this year and when that term of service expired, I was volunteered for another at my all women's meeting (which I accepted). I have two sponsees and one temporary at the moment. The desire to drink has left me, for the most part, and emotional sobriety is what I work on at this current stage in my recovery and probably forever, actually. I recently told my Sponsor I don't want to delve into the AA 12 Traditions and that I'd like to hit pause on AA literature. She was totally fine with that and we decided to meet once a month for a general check-in either in person or by phone. I was nervous to tell her I wasn't into working in the books, but wanted to continue being honest with her because if she's taught me anything, it's to tell the truth no matter what. I've been spreading myself thin with all of my AA involvement and I have a desire to reclaim more of my time and energy at this stage of my recovery.

I'm completely embracing the woo and magical thinking in this phase of my recovery. Thanks to many of my sober sisters, I am learning about a great many things and I can't believe I used to reject them. I'll name a few here:

  • Astrology - I had my natal chart read by Natha Perkins Campanella and it confirmed so much of what I already knew about myself. I just needed to listen to my intuition and embrace what I've pushed down for so many years. I am an empath. I am a teacher. I am a pleaser.
  • Tarot - I pull a card almost every day from The Wild Unknown tarot deck and read about its meaning. It's a little nugget to ponder or guide me throughout the day and I enjoy the ritual, as well as the beautiful artwork and meanings behind the cards.
  • Crystals - I'm enjoying researching and learning about crystals right now. I'm totally new to this, but love holding these well worn little nuggets in my hand or running my fingers over them when I'm stressed or anxious. Total newbie. And, I don't care if it seems weird to anyone. It makes me feel good.
  • Essential oils - I can only use the roller ball oils or aroma sticks. Putting essential oils in the palms of my hands is a sensory no-no for me. I apply them when I'm about to go to a meeting or in any large crowd. It seems to ground me and allows me to step into situations that used to unnerve me.
  • Malas - my friend Sasha Korellis, owner + designer of Satcha Malas, designs the most beautiful, one-of-a-kind, magical malas. She once told me that sacred adornment is a way in which we, as women, can crown ourselves every day and remind ourselves that we are indeed queens. I loved her words so much that barely a day has gone by that I haven't worn a mala around my wrist or neck in order to signify my own royalty.
  • Moon - I'm still learning about the moon's energy, but it makes sense to me on a very basic level. The moon affects the tides, the ebb and flow state. Energy in, energy out. It's energy, pure and simple. That makes sense to me.

I put myself out there in a big way recently and had a dozen paintings featured as part of an exhibition at a local gallery. I shared the show with another sober sister. I poured my heart and soul into a painting series called The Geographic, wherein I examined the landscape of my drinking over the past decade while living in Valley Ford and it completely wrung me out emotionally. I wrote about the project as it developed and you can read more about it here. I ended up selling two paintings from the show. I don't think I want to do another gallery show anytime in the near future. It was too much pressure for me. I'm proud I did what I set out to do, but it was way outside my comfort zone. I need time to see where I want to go next with this body of work. For right now, we're on a time out.

The Unruffled Podcast
Sondra Primeaux and I co-host a podcast that focuses on creativity and recovery from alcohol. We recently hit approximately 300K downloads and love the interviews and connections we are making with other sober women who are recovering out loud. I feel very strongly that this is 12th step work and know we are trying to carry the message in the work we do.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to
alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
— Step Twelve, 12 Steps + 12 Traditions, page 106

Sober Lady Tribe
Over the past six months, my sober lady tribe has grown and relationships have deepened. Sober women are my lifeline in recovery. I email, talk on the phone, meet gals for tea, Skype, Whatsapp, attend women's 12-step meetings and text with women from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep. These women keep me sane and have been crucial to my emotional sobriety, especially over the last year and a half since Kacy's death. In real life meet-ups are happening more often and collaborating with sober creatives is really lighting me up. Stay tuned for more offerings of women's circles. We're hoping to take those on the road soon.

3.5 YEARS OF SOBRIETY: Mega Mala gifted to me by sasha korellis of  satcha malas

3.5 YEARS OF SOBRIETY: Mega Mala gifted to me by sasha korellis of satcha malas

This got really loooooooooooong.

So I'll end with this:

I do not regret the fact that I gave up alcohol 3.5 years ago.
My life has gotten exponentially better since removing it.
I keep my word - to others and, more importantly, myself.
I'm doing things I never allowed myself to even dream of.
I'm healthier.
I like who I see looking back at me in the mirror.
I'm okay being the only sober one at a party these days.
I'm finally settling into myself and feeling more and more comfortable in my own skin.
I feel anchored in my home and family life.
I'm a way better mom than I used to be.
I work hard on responding, rather than reacting.
I read prayers now and mean them.
I'm trying to honor the grief.
Some days I feel weighted down by it.
Other days, I make friends with it.
I feel like I need a good long cry, but it just hasn't come yet.
I still write a gratitude list every single day. 
No matter what.
I love my life.